My Guy Kai

There are moments in life that become, unbidden and unexpected, Big Moments, when you drink in something so delicious that it defies easy description but leaves you with a sense of profound contentment, snug down to your bones, with a peace in your heart that, in the biblical phrase, “passeth understanding.”

And so it was with My Guy Kai (already shortened from “Makiah”), my recently minted (4-month-old) grandson, with whom I spent a goodly part of the past few weeks doing what all older folk with a pulse do with very young folk—bouncing him on my knee while making nonsense sounds, singing nonsense songs, breathing deeply while running my nose over his mostly bald head, burrowing kisses down into the folds of what there is of his neck.

Catching and then managing to hold his gaze for precious moments in my lap, eye to eye, grin to grin, a kind of gurglefest of epic satisfaction, writ so large across the heavens that it leaves notions of some future heaven feeling superfluous.

Ah, me…



We were bidding adieu on the stairs leading to his bedroom, my last night in town, evening having descended, his sleep beckoning, one of his mamas pausing to direct his attention to his “Pops” for a last snuggle and farewell.

Every grandparent I’ve ever met has riffed on some variation of ‘Just you wait—it’s the best relationship ever.’ Turns out grandparents know a thing or two.

With him high enough up the stairwell to be level with my own gaze, we caught each other’s eyes and held, like friendly radars locking in on objects of mutual delight.

And there we lingered for a long, long moment, him, me, looking and looking, me hopelessly in love and acutely conscious this would be my last glimpse of him for several months, all that life and growth and wonder he would be encountering zipping right along before I would gaze upon him again as a changed man.

He, of course, not so much in love as being love, love incarnate, innocent, open, world-loving and true, precious few counter-narratives having occurred to or been imposed upon him at his tender age of 1/3.

His face, as it so frequently is (lucky parents!), a merry moon, his eyes with that glint of pleasure and joy that marks a hunger satiated, for now, but which gives every indication it will meet the morning when it comes and climb right up on its back for another ride.


I was overcome with joy and gratitude when my daughter was born. (Evidence below…) Those are certainly present again, but it’s different, too, time’s passage and the generational hand-off being what they are.

Back then, despite my middle age, I felt we were starting out on a grand and uncharted adventure, the beginning of building something reaching its tentacles far out into a future that I would long be a part of.

At the turn of the millennium, a year and a few months after my daughter was born, I was certainly aware but not beset by mortality. My mother and brother and many older friends of the time were still alive, and most all my peers were in the prime of their lives.

Now, most all the older generation that spawned mine has passed on, and my peers and I have to be vigilant that every gathering isn’t consumed by a kind of 4th Quarter Report of who is gone, who is going, and who is prepping for one of the spare body parts the seemingly teenage surgeons are inserting into us with all the workaday, ho-hum sobriety that car mechanics used to exude when changing our fuel pumps and spark plugs.

Lest that sound like a complaint, let me say that in its own way, this truly is the prime of my life.

Sure, my hip is sometimes sore for days after a hike, my short-term memory is skidding into sandtraps of varying depth, and pedaling my bike lately up even a modest incline leaves me feeling like I just staggered across the finish line of an ultramarathon through Death Valley.

Not to mention that friends are dying or wishing to, or worried that those memory sandtraps referenced above are turning inexorably into quicksand.

The easy thing to say here is not only that I’m fortunate to be alive and healthy at all, but that my grandson has given me more to live for as another generation bursts into existence, with all its attendant hope for the future.

All true enough, but that’s not the whole of it.

The other part has to do with the purity and depth of that encounter in the stairwell, in and of itself. And of a quite similar one several days earlier as he sat in my lap. Both times his long gaze into my eyes was unbroken, his intention and outreach egoless and pure, unadulterated by any ploys or strategies to win any favor other than my participation in this marvelous little Dance of the Humans—this intermingling of sociable souls.

Babies may come into this world with not a clue of what awaits them, but they are oh-so-fast learners, making use of the abnormally large brains evolution has bequeathed their species to tend to and absorb countless stimuli in their environment. When most all that stimuli come from doting parents focused on the baby’s comfort, curiosity and cheer, they lap it up like they do mother’s milk itself.

Love and milk: the two essential nutrients to feed their physical, emotional and social selves.

Were these treasured encounters portents of what awaits us if the fates are kind and I am able to see him often enough in coming years to forge bonds of durability and care? I hope so. I’d be a fool not to want more, to want to be more for this child who seems to be adapting to this human thing with such free-flowing joy.

But all that is in the future, a mix of speculation and hope, none of it promised. For now, Kai is my main guy, and as an added bonus, there’s his sister Paislee (pictured above, at Kai’s Major League debut last week), an exceedingly bright spirit in her own right, thrown into the mix for a while now as my step-granddaughter.

Riches multiplied.

Every grandparent I’ve ever met has riffed on some variation of “Just you wait—it’s the best relationship ever.” 

Turns out grandparents know a thing or two. Think I’ll try to stick around for a while and see what else I might learn from them—and their progeny.



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16 comments to My Guy Kai

  • jmarron777  says:

    God Good — this is a masterpiece. What a lovely and spectacular tribute to Kai and to the launch of a life and to your boundless love. —- Gave me chills and tears reading this. Thank you for it.

  • Jim Kellough  says:

    What a perfectly wonderful & heartfelt story to mark the first Friday in October.

  • Dawn Helman  says:

    I can barely see through my tears after reading this deeply touching essay. Sharing your experience of a steady gaze into the eyes of pure love and soulful consciousness was such a gift. It’s a rare and powerful moment when 2 beings gaze into each other’s souls. It can and does happen between adults, but the egoless purity of a baby renders the experience blissful and transformational. Being in love with love is Heaven on Earth. I’m so happy for you Drewski.

  • Tim Conklin  says:

    Hey Drew ,aka Pops, congratulations! Your essay captured the essence of the “ trip” down here – child like attitude! Please let Dakota know Nina and I are Thrilled for her and her wife! What a beautiful baby boy!

  • Chris Ann Buff  says:

    Well said, the joy and the bond. I enjoyed this, Andrew. Thanks.

  • Kevin Feldman  says:

    Beautifully rendered my dear friend, your soulful descriptions (and pics) touched my heart! Off to meet the world this morning with an extra bounce in my step!

  • Robert Spencer  says:

    Seven is my grandfatherly numeral. My magnificent seven—Owen, Stella, Victoria, Davis, Louise, Valentina and Dean—have stolen my heart. Owen’s behind the back Maravich dribbling and Curry three-pointers rekindle memories of my own childhood hoop dreams. Davis moves his fingers along the zebra-ivory keys like a breeze over ice. Für Elise became his first anthem. Stella’s artistic creativity isn’t surprising either. My mom and dad were both professional artists. Louise’s affinity for numbers and penchant for sweets are easily explained, too. Both her mother and I loved solving quadratics and find tiramisu more than a slice of heaven. Victoria loves books, a multi-generational Spencer trait, and has seemingly overnight transformed herself from a shy child to a beautiful, young lady. Valentina practices cartwheels across her living room floor, perfecting her cheerleading skills. A broken vase or two is a small price to pay for her smile and a “watch me again” look. I get dizzy watching Dean, a spitting image of my oldest son, sprint from one place to another like a butterfly on speed. His T-Rex shoes are carnivorous spider stompers. I’m afraid I’ve become one of those pathetic grandfathers who brags endlessly about his grandchildren and, may I add, without even a tinge of shame. Like you, it’s one of the great joys of growing old.

  • Andrew Hidas  says:

    Jamie, thanks so much for reading—and being!

    Many thanks, Jim. Getting this out early Friday allowed me to get out there in the woods on this October day; hard to go wrong with this month here & pretty much everywhere…

    Dawn, everything you said: yes!

    Tim: Same to you as Dawn…And I’ll pass along your good wishes, thanks.

    Chris Ann, thanks, I appreciate you letting me know. Happy fall!

    Kevin, not that it takes all that much to get you bouncing along through life, but I do appreciate the sentiment!

    Robert, your pride in that brood is wayyy over the top, for sure. Please keep it up… :-)

  • Harriet  says:

    So beautiful and wonderfully true. Aren’t we lucky to be grandparents! This reminds me yet again to slow down and treasure the moments I have with Eloise and Thomas, and a little girl soon to come! And John Gorka topped off this heartfelt and lovely piece.

    • Andrew Hidas  says:

      Glad you enjoyed the Gorka too, Harriet. I seem to have spent half as much time looking for the right song for this as writing it (only a slight exaggeration), was searching for a Gorka song I had vaguely in mind about the birth of his child, kept coming up short, then finally stumbled upon “Morningside,” a song I knew well from way back when, hiding in plain sight, fit in really nicely, so I hit myself upside the head and plunked it in!

  • kirkthill  says:

    Beautifully words touching all of us privileged abuelos. Having a very possible autistic grandson makes that eye contact even more precious when it happens. I wonder if the stare and expression our grandkids have might possibly be, “Holly Smokes! He’s looking kinda gross!” from Gorka’s “People my Age”. LOL

    • Andrew Hidas  says:

      Could be, Kirk! I’ve always loved that Gorka song, both for its brutal honesty (when looked at through a particular lens…) and also for how it shows his humor and playfulness, which provides great ballast for all the emotional depth he brings to so much of his work. Have you seen him live? His patter between songs is quite something; I always have the sense he’s just making it up right then & there, with only the barest tinge of an idea or story that he plays with in the moment and usually manages to bring to a fine comic conclusion. Or else he’s faking his sort of stumbling-searching demeanor as storyteller really well, which is yet another testament to his comedic skills!

      I’m betting you’re quite a help with your possible autistic grandson, yes?

  • Jay Helman  says:

    As a grampa wannabe, my desire and curiosity are now more deeply felt. Thank you for this beautiful description of the wonderous relationship with your guy Kai!

    • Andrew Hidas  says:

      It’s mighty sweet, Jay, and you will be a sweet one, I am certain…

  • Loren Webster  says:

    This perfectly describes the feelings I had last night while babysitting my one year old great grandson while his mother attended night classes. At 80, babysitting still ranks right up there with hiking Mt. Rainier or the Olympics.

    • Andrew Hidas  says:

      And I daresay babysitting a one-year-old can be just as exhausting as hiking Mt. Rainier! (Though in a good way…)

      Come to think of it, hiking Mt. Rainier can be exhausting but in a good way, too. Here’s to getting the great-grandkid up there with you—at least partway—while you’re still young!

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